| Again |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|03:54 pm] |
Can I just be someone else for awhile? I'm sick of dealing.
He might have done the same, if not worse to someone else. I want to know... I have this burning curiosity racked with guilt, but I'm too afraid to ask, too afraid that it wasn't him she was talking about and word gets back to him that I talked to her. I'm tired of being afraid of him. I'm just... tired.
I shouldn't have looked. |
|
|
| Goals |
[Mar. 4th, 2009|11:01 pm] |
Goals for heading towards summer:
1. Get a job.
2. Move home.
3. Pay off credit card.
4. Figure out all the money I owe for loans and make a budget sheet in correlation to paying back loans.
5. Make plan to pay off loans.
6. Make plan to put aside 6-8 months of living expenses by the end of next school year.
7. Put together a wardrobe for summer- make clothes.
8. Make belly dancer top.
9. Sort through movies and sell what I don't watch anymore.
10. Sort through most of my stored boxes at Mom's and get rid of stuff I don't use/wont need.
11. Pay off library card/get new card.
12. Put together budget and make notebook for finances and make receipt envelopes by category.
13. Plan out IRA and have an IRA up within the next 5 years.
14. Pay off ubsub. loan by next July.
15. Make recipe book for job this summer.
To look back on: Victoria Frances posters for apt.
Just so everyone knows, I was offered a job this summer and agreed, so I will not be here for 8 weeks out of the summer. =) |
|
|
| Girl's Night |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|03:58 am] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| |  cheerful | ] |
So I had my first "real" girls night Friday night (well, since high school), and I finally realized I'm actually really happy. I've tried so hard to let go and trust people again, and now that I feel like Lindsay and Jessica (as well as most of the guys at Brad's now) have my back, I'm finally starting to feel like maybe... just maybe one day after I've healed from all these horrible past relationships... maybe I can let someone in again. The only issue I have is I've done the casual dating and it's really hard for me to do. I want a guy who is my best friend as much as my lover, and that is really hard to find in just a casual dating scene. I'm not going to worry about it, however, and right now just work on being happy as things are, and maybe one day I'll meet a guy who completely sweeps me off my feet who I can trust, have fun with, and be attracted to all at once... a guy who thinks it's sexy that I read, finds my obsession with metal badass, who thinks that my competitiveness with video games (or any game for that matter) is cute, who loves my dorky side as much as my serious side, and who treats me really well. A guy who listens to me and shows that he listens, who notices when my hair color changes, even if it's just by a shade or two, who gets along really well with my friends, and who all around realizes I'm not just your average girl, but intelligent, exciting, and fun!
Right now, however, I'm going to get a grip on my life and on my panic attacks... and after that, who knows. Maybe I'll meet the Mr. Darcy to my Elizabeth Bennett. =) |
|
|
| boysboysboys |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|11:36 am] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | bondage goat zombie - belphegor | ] |
I like a boy, but he doesn't return the affection. =(
It only makes me like him more.
What's wrong with me?
On another note, I finished about 5 books over break, mostly just rereading stuff I haven't read in forever, but also a couple new ones.
The Catcher in the Rye
Idlewild
Industrial Magic
Atonement
Not Buying It
I started a few new ones:
Rant
Lords of Chaos
The Witch of Cologne
More, Now, Again
Mary and I hung out.
New Years was fucking awesome.
I spent the whole break with Lindsay, most of which was over at Brad's with the gang.
I've also decided I'm ready to date again, although I'm not ready for a relationship, and especially want to just have fun right now. Then again, I suck at seeing a guy without really liking him enough to want a relationship, so who knows. Hopefully I wont fall into that trap again, but I'm not the most sane and we all know it. Now that I've decided this I'm sure there wont be any guys showing interest in more than fuck-buddies or friendships, but eh, I'm just happy I'm not still brooding over Pat. Lawl. |
|
|
| Skye |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|10:21 am] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Funeral Bitches - Marduk | ] |
I respect Skye. I always have and always will. I've looked up to her long before any other "real" person. I never really understood the struggle she went through until college. And I find myself sickened by the fact I'm dealing with the same problems... how could I not have learned from her mistakes? I only read everything she ever wrote, took it to heart, adored and cherished it, and now it's becoming me in a way that makes me wish I could turn back time and start college all over. So much would be different. How could I have let myself get here?
The cycle never ends. I meet a boy and while at first he is nice I later realize how bad he is for me, how often I give up my own ideals and aspirations to be with him, and yet I can't seem to stop myself. I give up my own life to appeal to his needs and gravitate towards his approval. I think I'm dating a nice guy and yet it never ends up that way, and even when his true colors begin to show I still sickeningly strive for his attention and approval. First with Kyle ending with Pat, and what do I have to show for all this? Panic attacks, scars, and emotional baggage to boot.
When I finally date a nice guy, I feel like it's not a normal relationship because I don't have that sick need to please him. Will I ever get past this phase, or is it permanently branded into my core? I told myself I'd never date a violent guy. All Pat talked about is how awesome it would be for me to get him into a fight. He threw me up against his bathroom wall- HARD, and I chalked it up to drunken stupidity. I told myself I'd never date a guy who put his friendships over me, and yet I dated Ryan for over a year. I told myself I wouldn't go back to Kyle when I got back to Kent, and yet I went back- crawling, wanting him even more because he no longer wanted me. Will I always make excuses for them?
Please let this end... I fall in love with guys who trap me in a cycle of fuck-buddies and treat me like shit, and make me feel shallow and like my self worth is only as high as how good I look and how much of a trophy I am for the asshole who dates me.
And just when I think I could date a nice guy, I no longer like him until he rejects me. And now all I can think about is how much I fucked up, and how it's my fault... even though I know he and I would never work dating, and yet that sick part of me wants to date him anyway, even though I know I would be throwing myself into another round of heartache and heartbreak. That's what attracts me to him even more.
I know I've always wanted a guy who could rival my dominance, but now maybe I'm just sick enough to keep wanting the guys who will break me, over and over again. Consciously I try to avoid it, and yet my self-destructive unconscious mind keeps putting myself in the hands of the men (and women) who appeal to those dark desires. When will it end?
I need to meet a nice guy who is as into me as I am into him... even if it's nothing serious, just so I can experience how a normal relationship actually functions. A guy who gets me flowers and takes me on dates, and who can't wait to see me next. Who gets along with my friends- Brad is so laid back and yet he has never liked any guy I've dated. Nor has Deger- Deger didn't even MEET Pat and he hated him, even though I talked him up all the time. A nice, normal (for me), possibly into anime/metal/literature guy that is as impressive in bed as he is out of bed.
Do that type of guy even exist? =/
tease
~skye
me with my tattoos
that can be covered with conservative clothing
make-up that can be washed away
clothes that can be changed
i'm wearing the revolution
instead of living it
i'm all talk
i'm a tease to the revolt
9-to-5 activist
til i come home to write bad poetry
about a boy whose ideals
i say i fight against
i'm a hypocrite
bullshitter
a mockery of myself
i scrub my hands
but my nails are still dirty |
|
|
| Yoyoyo |
[Jan. 14th, 2008|06:01 pm] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Zombie, Inc. - In Flames | ] |
I've finally decided on a major and if I work really hard I can graduate by the end of next year. I'm excited that Ryan and I are almost at 10 months, and while we've had our rocky times, I think we're finally going really well.
I have like two books bigger than my head for two of my classes that I have (both) on tues/thurs. I'm reading about 4 novels a week, but I'm rather enjoying it even though I'm not getting any of the books I started over summer read.
I have a huge list of things to read, some including Into the Wild, In Cold Blood, The Kite Runner, Catfight, Slut, Bitch, The art of War, More Now and Again, She's Come Undone, The Beauty Myth, Deviant, Sexual Revolution, Prozac Nation, Sex Drugs and Coco Puffs, and The Tibetan book of Living and Dying. |
|
|
| UC |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|12:36 am] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| |  hungry | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Fury of the Storm - Dragonforce | ] |
I filled out a transfer application to UC today. Kickass. |
|
|
| Bodom |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|10:52 pm] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| | want-y | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Daria Themesong | ] |
I wanna go to the Children of Bodom concert! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! |
|
|
| Working Out |
[May. 31st, 2006|10:17 am] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Forest of Unicorns - Rhapsody | ] |
Another successful workout this morning! Thirty minutes of ab work followed by a 45 minute walk, and I was in great shape to keep up today! My confidence is skyrocketing and I feel like I can do anything, even let go of unhealthy people and events in my life. It's a wonderful feeling. |
|
|
| Guys |
[May. 27th, 2006|10:56 pm] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| | flirty | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | When Demons Awake - Rhapsody | ] |
Okay, so according to my sign chart and my taste in men, Aries is the best counter to my Leo. Which sucks, cause I only know one Aries and I don't want him. This is what the chart reads:
"Leo-Aries Compatibility
"Fiery Leo with fiery Aries is a positive combination and provided they do not both try to be the boss, this can be a stimulating duo. Leo can appreciate the Aries' drive and initiative while Aries is not overwhelmed by the big ideas, power and laggeness of leo. Both signs are outgoing, extrovert, warm and vibrant. When you put the creativity of a Leo with the energy and ebullience of a racy Ram, you won't get a couple whose idea of an exciting evening is playing a few rounds of snap before going to bed with a good book.
"These two will whizz off to all the wonderful wingdings they can find, parade at parties, dance the night away at the best disco in town, thrill themselves at the theatre and scare themselves silly at the cinema watching the latest spine-chiller. Leos love having the best, because they feel they deserve it and impetuous Arians will happily join in, because they think exactly the same thing. So unless there's a twinkling of economic Virgo in the Leo's chart or of materially-minded Taurus in the Arian's, it could be their loot and not their love that they'll lose."
From: http://www.findyourfate.com/compatibility/aries-leo.html
Aries is dominate, so it works perfectly. I want passion in my romance! I just want an attractive Aries who likes power metal (& power metal concerts), poetry, phantom of the opera, and (good) horror movies. And one that wont cheat on me and wont leave me for someone with bigger boobs or a better body (or a bigger whore). That's all I ask. Is that too much to ask? |
|
|
| Tattoos |
[May. 26th, 2006|11:30 am] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Descent of the Archangel - Kamelot | ] |
A tattoo parlor just moved in down my street, and within walking distance. I'm curious, and think I will take Amanda to check it out since she knows what to expect (she has 3 tattoos). It would be so kickass to be able to get a tattoo by the end of summer. I need to ask about the epidural thing though, something Kyle said I should check with my doctor first, instead of the tattoo parlor itself, which he could be right about.
In other news, I missed my workout this morning cause the TKD instructor twisted her ankle, but hopefully I will be able to make up for it this afternoon and go walk down Grandvista (visit my favorite house there). My legs have been aching for the past two days, but I'm determined to push myself. If I don't get a good start in the beginning, then I wont end as strongly as I could.
I'm seriously considering to start back up in Taekwondo/Hapkido, or at least just take Hapkido classes again. A few people think it would be good for me, but I don't know if they will just let you take Hapkido. I really do need to catch up to my ranking. The Hamiltons (family that runs the dojang now) know an instructor up at Kent who is supposed to be really good and really laid back, so hopefully next semester I can catch up with him, and where-ever I go after that I will be at my appropriate belt level; knowledge and skill wise. I need to stretch more. I keep waking up and walking on my toes because my leg muscles are so short. I hope to be able to touch my toes by the end up July, and I hope I can do the full splits by the end of summer. I was better stretched out than I thought I would be, but I need to push the intensity level.
This summer is all about intensity level, too. I need to push myself in every way I can to grow and change. I have so many goals I hope to accomplish, and I know with the amount of encouragement I have been getting from my friends, I can do every single one of them. I know it sounds cheesy, but I am very hopeful and the way things have gone this past week, I know I can handle myself in even the most panicking situations (including calling 911 when I need to).
Sugerman and I have been talking, and I think we are both looking forward to possibly getting tickets to the Children of Bodom/Slayer/Lamb of God concert playing down here next month. He and I are also looking to get tickets to Ozzfest and go see Dragonforce open for the main stage (whoohoo!). If anyone else is interested in going to either of those, give me a ring or leave me a message!
As for other goals, the calmness of the bookstore I grew up going to has changed alot. So many more people go there now during the day, and the shelves have moved as well as the outside of the building. In a way it makes me sad, but at the same time I will plan on going at least once a week so I can just relax and meditate. Meditation is going to be important for me, because lately so much has been going on, I barely have room to breathe.
Next Thursday, I hope I can go out with Eric and people to Hamburger Mary's (sorry I missed yesterday, but I wasn't feeling good!), and get some socializing in. I think that would be a great place to grab dinner and talk with Stephen and Eric once a week before karaoke, which would be the fun part of the evening. I just hope my job doesn't mess it up, but if it does, it does, and I will find a way around it.
According to Stephen, this summer is going to be one of cleansing. Eric agrees, and I'm all for it. For Amanda, this summer is for me to get in shape and reclaim my confidence, as well as a summer for celebration and renewal. I agree with all of them. I just know after this summer, everything is going to change. |
|
|
| Summer |
[May. 24th, 2006|10:14 am] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Gravity - Wolf's Rain | ] |
Summer started out less than I expected, but it's turning out great!
I already turned in several job applications, and had a great interview at blockbuster, so I hope something works out there because I would be sure to get in full-time hours.
I've been eating surprisingly healthy, with the occasional treat. =D I'm keeping a food journal and so far I am only ashamed of one thing on there: a bottle of A&W root beer. That tells you something! Amanda also has me on a great exercise routine. This whole week I've been doing a damn good job at finding some way to exercise. Saturday, I went on a nature walk and paddle boating with Kyle, which kicked ass. Monday I did DDR for an hour and a half, hanging out with Eric and switching off for a while, before going hardcore after he left. Last night, I did cardio kickboxing for an hour, and let me tell you how awesome it made me feel. My knuckles ached and I could barely lift my legs by the end of the night, but I pulled through and kicked the ass out of the punching bag. At 7 am this morning, I worked out for two hours with Amanda and Jamie (a TKD instructor at Ahn's). We power walked for an hour to an hour and a half straight, and I was practically jogging to keep up. By the end of the walk, my lungs ached and I was fighting to breathe, but it felt so wonderful. It's so rewarding when you push your body past its limit. I almost threw up twice, but I'm ready to go again come Friday morning! I really hope I get into great shape fast, because Amanda mentioned possibly certifying me as a cardio kickboxing instructor, which would kick so much ass for summer to have free workouts. I want to be able to train as hard and as often as Amanda does, and in the end she and I may go get tattoos in celebration for an amazing summer. I have had two years of no exercise, and am in terrible shape; yet still able to keep up the best I can and push myself past what I normally can do instead of give up. Hopefully, I'll be working out every other morning (mon, wed, fri) and doing kickboxing every evening (except for weekends, but possibly doing kickboxing saturday morning) by the middle of next month. I want to be in amazing shape by the time I come back to school, and by then my confidence will skyrocket, seeing how it is already shooting up because I keep pushing myself. My body aches but I love the feeling. It's a way of self torture, I suppose, but it reminds me that the end result will be far greater than anything else I could do for summer. I just really hope my job doesn't affect my morning workouts, but if it does I'm sure we could do it earlier. I would also be pissed if it ruined my kickboxing nights, but since I have a bag in the basement and Amanda is over often, I might be able to talk her into training me one on one on occasion. =D
As for friends, I've noticed I've gotten nagging and needy, so I'm trying to back off completely starting today. The next two weeks I will concentrate on moving into my apartment (my Dad gave me the third floor since my Grandparents moved out... yay!), my job, getting my license and a car, reading I want to accomplish (I have 6 of Amanda's books I have to finish and a shitload more on my reading list I want completed by the end of the summer, plus books for school), and my exercise routine combined with eating habits. I really want to start a healthier way of living, an independent way of living like I once had before college started. I think with that independence and self-reliance, as well as the massive amount of goals I have set for the next two weeks alone, much less the rest of summer, my confidence will be boosted and my "need" of friends will give way to my desire of having company.
Amanda and I have been having long talks lately, and I realize my clinginess has to do with the sudden freedom of college, combined with events that began my college career. A few friends and I agree this next semester may be my last because of the negative effect Kent has on me. I have no clue where I would go after Kent, since I always imagined being at Kent because of Dave, but I think it's time for me to give up the ghosts of my past and start a new path... one of independence, self-reliance, set goals, confidence, and love for my friends. I can't really grow up unless I decide to let go. |
|
|
| Eyes of Vengeance |
[May. 17th, 2006|10:42 am] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Pheonix - Stratovarius | ] |
All heads turn to stare
at the woman with the eyes of green fire
and the hair woven from midnight.
She walks in beauty/seduction/grace,
steps light, hips swaying, head held high;
a tease laced in confidence,
staring with those orbs of vengeance.
Now they will kneel before her
begging for acceptance,
as she once did to them;
wishing to be noticed:
just a glimpse,
maybe a word.
And their only thoughts:
"Look at me."
(c)Jewel |
|
|
| What to Talk About |
[May. 10th, 2006|05:38 pm] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Nightfall - Blind Guardian | ] |
I never know what to say
when asked to talk about myself.
Do I talk about my family?
The obsession of knowing where I come from
or the one-sided relationship with my father
unless it's convenient for him to care?
Do I talk about my dreams in life?
The need to have things of my own;
a coffee shop/ bookstore to run
and an apartment to live above that
with a wolf-looking dog named Dragon.
Do I talk about the man I want one day?
A tall, poetically beautiful boy
with large artistic hands
square chin,
and dominant personality,
whose mind is as good as body
where fucking and mind-fucks
are equally arousing.
Do I talk about my love for books?
Where I can read for hours
and get so involved
I forget the world around me?
Or the fact that sometimes my books
are put first before people and socializing?
Do I talk about my looks?
The ordinary girl with brown hair, green eyes
and small boobs,
with a fiery spirit
and a need to have fun.
I never know what to talk about
when asked to talk about myself.
(c) Jewel |
|
|
| School |
[May. 8th, 2006|08:44 pm] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Valley of the Damned - Dragonforce | ] |
My schedule for next year's courses:
Sect ID / Course Title Call No Days Time Building Room Instructor
PHY -13021-007
GEN COLLEGE PHYSICS LAB I 15406 R 01:10-03:10PM SMH 101 ??????????
PHY -13001-002
GENERAL COLLEGE PHYSICS I 15392 MWF 09:55-10:45AM SMH 108 Christensen S
T 02:15-03:05PM SMH 202 ???????????
PSYC-11762-004
GENERAL PSYCHOLOGY 15634 MWF 12:05-12:55PM AUD 306 Tomich P
ENG -25001-005
LIT IN ENGLISH I 12802 MWF 02:15-03:05PM BOW 208 Schmitzer T
ENG -22073-001
MAJ MOD WRIT BRIT & U.S. 12796 MWF 11:00-11:50AM SFH 118 Neiderman B
WMST-20095-001
ST: TARGET GIRL DESIGN 16980 MW 05:30-06:45PM BOW 311 Holt S
--------------------------------
Total Registered Hours:17.00
As for events, I am the new president of the KSU Anime Society, and hope to make the club much better (such as putting in gaming rooms like they have at Anime UC, having anime "all nights," and being better prepared and more organized for anime conventions).
Hopefully Sugerman and I will visit Cleveland often in search for kick-ass bands that may be coming in town to play such as Dragonforce, Sonata Arctica, Kamelot, and more!
By the time I come back I may also be a certified trainer in Cardio Kickboxing (if Amanda is free this summer to train me), which means I might try to teach some classes at the rec, but we'll see when the time comes and after I see how much of my time classes and anime club will consume.
Food plan wise, I hope to convince my Dad to get me a credit card to buy food instead of having to buy the crappy on-campus shit they sell overpriced here.
And as for parties, well... I'll have a kickass roommate and will be in a non-24-quiet dorm and non-dry dorm. This means tons of jager and maybe some mischief. ;) |
|
|
| Dragonforce |
[May. 7th, 2006|09:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Dorm Room | ] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Silent Jealousy - X Japan | ] |
So, I went to see Dragonforce with Erik and some of his friends. Erik and I ended up going off to hang with Sugerman at the show. The show was awesome. I wish the vocals had been louder, though. One of the guitarists, Sam Totman, was drunk off his ass and acting like it. But he still played really well. At one point, when they were playing Fields of Despair, the vocalist forgot the words, so Herman Li told everyone to boo at him. It was semi-humorous. They ended up redoing the song, which was fine by me since it's one of my favorite DF songs. The keyboardist was sweet and at the end of one of his solos played the Simpson's theme song. He also played the keyboard with his teeth. I was rather impressed. Very kick-ass! Overall, the concert rocked, I got two really cool new t-shirts, and I hope to go next year with even more friends! =D
On another note, summer is approaching and Erik and I will be splitting up for summer. I refuse to do long distance relationships anymore cause they SUCK. Amanda is going to drag me back to kickboxing (woohoo), and I hope to get a job at Barnes and Noble (apparently they are hiring). I might move onto the apartment on the third floor, and I'm stoked about that, otherwise my summer is going to hopefully be busy but fun (I'm especially looking forward to IkasuCon).
Exams end Tuesday for me, then it's home free. I can't wait. |
|
|
| Remembering |
[May. 3rd, 2006|11:44 am] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Tallulah - Sonata Arctica | ] |
I found this in one of my old LJ posts. I thought it was interesting, and was curious as to why I still obsess over something that happened so long ago... something I should have gotten over and moved on about. I've had heartache again and again, yet each time I manage to pull myself through it and move on. But with Dave, I don't know why it continues to return to haunt me. And the pain has left, but the memories just sit there, taunting at me like some stupid pop song you can't get out of your head. Why, when I have pulled myself through tough times and not looked back, do I keep looking back to this?
The Post:
My memories turn to haunt me. I don’t know why I can’t just let go of him; he is in my every thought, in my dreams, in my soul. My writing is consumed by him; my muse. I breathe him in, write him down, reminisce on our every moment, seemingly shallow though it may be. I don’t know why one person has such influence on me. Perhaps it is merely the hope that feeling of normalcy he inspired, once, in me. Maybe it was the fact he was something good in my life during a time I had nothing. These inscrutable questions consume me, drowning me in their depths. And that brings the fear of being alone, knowing that his betrayal will make me doubt every man, lurking and taunting me as though I were a mere toy. Perhaps I am in this game of life.
I truly believe my past experiences with guys are the reason behind my need to cling to males. Every important male in my life seems to have hurt me or left me. I did not feel love from my father, feeling insignificant and unworthy in his presence, afraid he will see yet again something wrong with me. My first crush beat me up after school going home on the bus, which brings my hate-love relationship with males. Between him and my father, even being hit by a guy will not phase my attachment to him; whether I have true feelings for the man or not. My first love, Dave, after promising a future with me (though I do forgive him for this now, but still feel the pain of the aftereffects), married a woman he got pregnant while over-seas, proceeding to avoid making contact with me in fear of my reaction, making me believe he was dead until I got a-hold of him and heard the news about his wife. I do not blame him though… he knew me only as mere words put together to form meaningless poetry. He was the one that brought true poetry to my life. He was my muse, and I suppose the fact he brought out such a big part of me is why he still consumes me.
Yet my past goes darker than this, into horrors I’d rather not re-live. I will never know the reasons for my loneliness, or for my clinginess, but I know the more I act upon them, the more I drive people away. It all goes back to the question of “why?” Why do things occur in life that make us doubt, fear, hate, hurt. Why could we have not been born with pure instincts instead of these silly emotions? Why, why, why.
The not-knowing is what kills.
Jewel
By: Dave
When the time comes
My white dove,
Think not of us
Think only of love
I will not stand
Between you and life
A life you deserve
Live now
And don't look back
I won't be there
Keep your eyes ahead
And we will meet
In a world of dreams |
|
|
| FUCK! |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|02:31 pm] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| | pissed as hell | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | The TV | ] |
Fuck Bush.
Fuck Alito.
Fuck Ohio.
Fuck America.
When will other women stop being stupid and ignorant and realize our RIGHTS are being THREATENED here! Bush is supportive of Alito, who is a misogynistic PIG! He also wants abortion to be illegal- no matter what- even if it KILLS the mother! This means that the sperm and egg has more rights than an adult woman! FUCK THAT!
Alito wants to overturn Roe vs. Wade and force the notion that women must get permission from their husbands before they get an abortion. What if the woman's husband is abusive? Who KNOWS what he would do to her. He also wants to outlaw the pill! The fucking pill! What the hell? He wants to take away Family and Medical Leave. He thinks it's okay for a husband to have dominance over his wife, even if he is abusive. He thinks sexual harassment is okay because it "drives women away from a male-dominated field." And Bush likes this guy? I knew Bush was fucked, but really... this is beyond fucked!
And of course Ohio. They want abortion to be illegal. But illegal to drive someone over the state line to get one? Now, what if a 12 year old girl was raped by her uncle or father and gets pregnant? What if having that baby will rip apart her reproductive organs and ruin any chance of her having children in the future? Yet it is illegal for her to get an abortion, and illegal for her mother to drive her over state lines to get one? How fucked is that?
And America... is everyone here stupid? Do they not see how far women have come... putting all of this into process pushes us BACK! It infuriates me! Do you forget we have earned everything we have right now? Do you really want to step back?
I don't! |
|
|
| Sonata Arctica |
[Jan. 31st, 2006|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Last Drop Falls - Sonata Arctica | ] |
So, I went and saw Sonata Arctica live and it was amazing. The vibe there was unbelievable. Tony Kakko was so much more gorgeous in person and his voice is amazing. And of course, Jani Liimatainen's guitar work was unbelievably awesome. I saw tons of people from Kent, and just the whole vibe at Peabodys was phenomenal. I REALLY want to relieve the night. |
|
|
| Updates |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|01:49 pm] |
| [ | Feelin' kinda: |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Jammin' to: |
| | Power of the Dragonflame - Rhapsody | ] |
I guess it is only fitting to have an update from over break.
Okay, so I get back and get to hang with this awesome chick my Dad is friends with named Amanda. She is way cool... almost a 30-year old version of who I was before I went to Kent. I watched her son, Jonah (cutest kid EVER-18 months), and met her other son Alex (really cool kid-almost 5 years old), both of which seemed to take to me pretty well. Anyway, Amanda and I started exchanging books and the such, found out both of us did martial arts and had alot of other really cool similar interests. Even our personalities are pretty similar, which is awesome... and I think that is what really helped me gain alot of confidence back that I had been missing since college.
The night I got back my Dad had a huge party and Amanda had me try on these jeans. Holy crap did they make my ass look good or what! Stephen, Nick, Lindsay and I hung out that night. The next night or so Lindsay and her friend Dan and I all went to see Rent. TOTALLY SWEET! Later on that week I hung out with Kyle, James, Nick, Travis, Stephen, and Lindsay some more. James, Stephen, Lindsay and I got the chance to go see memiors of a Geisha which was absolutely beautifully/amazingly well done.
Erik came down a week ago (Thursday before New Years). On New Years, Malik, James, Nick, Erik, Travis and I hung out with Amanda and my Dad, Erik and I getting drunk off the champagne Amanda brought with her. I made this really sweet Yule Log cake that was never eatened that night, but WAS a big hit the next night when people came back to finish the movies we didn't watch and eat the extra food.
The day after New Years I went and saw Phantom of the Opera at the Arnoff in Cincinnati. It was AWESOME!
Erik and I watched Jonah and stayed in (cause we were both sick--- or I should say ERIK got ME sick) for th erest of the week.
Okay, onto Thursday before con. Amanda and I had a bunch of people over. The people that stayed (Erik, Eric, Steve, Amanda, and myself), got pretty drunk off of wine, champange, and grape smirnoff (and smirnoff ice). We all had MAJOR hangovers by the morning. We pretty much stayed up and played cards all night drinking and listening to music (what a blast).
Friday when I first got to the con I felt terrible and really wanted to take a shower. I saw Kyle which brightened my mood intensely cause he said he wasn't going to come. I felt pretty sick so stayed in my hotel room till I got drunk and went down to smoke with Kati and this awesome guy from Kent I had just met named Jason. We ended up walking around alot that night together. I was on the elevator alot and 5 different guys mentioned having had seen me walk around that night at con. Also, I got told I was hot (or that my ass was hot, something like that) from Malik (player <3), who I also found out got a girlfriend (go Malik!). I also got to talk to Joe earlier and am glad he is doing okay.
Saturday was by far the most interesting day of the con for me. I was on shift for security from 10am-3pm, 5pm-10pm, then 12am-4am. I hung out more with Jason when I was sober (while he ate lunch), saw Matt (the guy in my picture kissing trhe other guy-hawt) and was told my hair was sexy (wtf?). The whole day/night I took 2 ibuprofin, 6 extra strength tylenol, and 2 excedrin. I was pretty much numb all day, which was awesome. I had alot of fun meeting the security guys, including Mario (who kept petting my head--hehe), Bo, Dustin, and Steven. I got called into ConOps for a "code 7" by C. Michael that afternoon, which I later found out was just another was of saying he, Travis, Dustin (on security) and I were going to go to Max and Ermas (hahaha).
Later that night a few interesting things happened. One, almost every guy that knew me started comming up to say hi to me. I saw Dan (who was being stupid like always... still pissed off I picked Erik over him I guess), Dustin, Lisa, and a few others (I saw them on Friday too, I think... but I remember more of Saturday night). I also saw Stephen Poon, who I said hi to and tried really hard to listen to him play/sing but kept getting called away on duty. This guy from my Myspace account reognized me and came up to eat lunch/ talk with me. I hung out with Mark for a few minutes of walking back and forth down the hall to the main events, then saw the huge (drunken) group later that night.
Now here is where things get really interesting. First, I saw a guy rolling around outside where people were smoking. I went out to ask him (nicely) to stop acting so drunk. Both he and his friend decided to 1. kiss my hand (a bit weird, but not too weird since they were drunk), 2. introduce themselves (i forgot their names two minutes later), and 3. invite me back to their room after my shift was over at 4am to get drunk off of beer and 151. (They were pretty cute too!). Almost right after that Kent-Kyle started talking to me and then left when the group came around the bend (blah -_-' go die). I kept making my rounds and ran into Joe (the myspace guy), and later saw a guy I recognized from IkasuCon sitting with one of the drunk guys so I didn't stop to say hi, only briefly waved and kept moving. Jason also came up and gave me a huge drunken hug, dragging me with him a few ways before letting go. Then this really annoying guy Erik knows kept comming up to me to ask me to have sex with him. Now, I would have found it amusing except later I found out he was serious (ew much?). When my shift ended I went up and changed and went back down looking for the drunk guys, and went out to have a smoke with Bo, Kati, (her) Matt, Erik, and a few other Kent people. By the time I went to bed my head was buzzed, my body ached and my heels were bleeding.
The next day was okay. I got up, packed, loaded the car up and went back down to the con. Kyle called me over to his table (later I found out it was because his friend sitting next to him pointed me out and told Kyle he thought I was hot-enough with the calling me hot... i want a guy who likes me for my personality). I ate lunch with Matt and Ami, walking about lotsa crazy stuff. Kyle ended up hanging out with me, following me around almost all day Sunday. I stole his hat (and still have it), and he called me a whore for it (lol!). Also, one of the drunk guys from the night before spotted me when he was talking on the phone and pointed his cell phone at me in an playfully-angery motion. Anyway, I said bye to Erik and whoever else came up to say bye to me, then hung out with Travis and Kyle the rest of the day before going home and passing out. I did get a sweet weapon and one of the glass dragons with lights at the con, which was kickass.
Overall, break has been AWESOME and I CAN'T WAIT TILL SUMMER with IkasuCon and four whole months. Point is, this past month has been a blast, the new year started off amazing, and I can't wait for more to come! |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dancinginrain21's journal